Watching The Dogs
by Kuroi Neko1
Summary: Yuki, Kyou and Hatsuharu are house and dog sitting for the famous actor, Leonardo DiCaprio.


Starting Notes: I suppose this needs a bit of an explanation. First off, don't take it too seriously. It's supposed to be funny, so all you need to do is go, "ain't that silly?" and laugh it up old school style. Best job, ever. That being said, how about a brief summary of just what Watching The Dogs is.

About: Watching The Dogs is an exercise used in drama classes as a form of improve training. It includes four people (or six if you include the dogs). Three of them are told that they have been hired to watch the dogs of a rich actor, and they are each given a random quirk, such as "refusing to do his work", "allergic to dogs" or "having to leave for a date in twenty minutes" among others. The fourth person is the rich actor who calls in from time to time to check up on his dogs. The three house-sitters are then told to order a pizza and improvise the rest of the scene.

Last Note. I Promise: So that about covers it. Enjoy!

Watching The Dogs

This is the regretfully horrid, but true story of three young lads whose only wish was to earn a few dollars by watching the dogs of the world famous actor Leonardo DiCaprio. Little did they know the eerie fate that awaited them on that cold winter's day.

Yuki Souma was the first to arrive at the DiCaprio mansion. He had accepted the job only because Shigure had insisted that Leonardo himself wouldn't take no for an answer. Initially, this did seem odd to Yuki, but he chose to ignore it, so long as he could make it out of the house in twenty minutes for his date with Tohru Honda. He had explained this to Shigure and was told that Mr. DiCaprio had no objections to him using his facilities to get ready, so long as his two dogs -- Pedro and Neelix -- were taken care of. He was even allowed to order a pizza which Mr. DiCaprio himself would pay for, so long as all the work got done by everyone.

Yuki idly wondered who the other house-sitters were to be as well as when an American movie star had taken up residence in Japan as he made his way to the kitchen to order the pizza.

As Yuki disappeared in to the kitchen, the next house-sitter arrived. Much like Yuki, Kyou had accepted the job purely because it meant that Shigure would stop bothering him about the subject. He was told that he only needed to clean the house and the dogs would be taken care of by the other two house-sitters so that he needn't worry about being responsible for another creature's life. Kyou thought that it sounded easy enough and a little extra money never hurt, but now face to face with the mess that the mansion was in, he decided there and then that he would not be made to clean it. He could just get one of the other house-sitters to do his job for him while he took in the benefits of the rich life-style. Or, at least, the benefits of cable TV.

Kyou had only begun to move towards the TV room when he was grabbed from behind by a sleepy looking Hatsuharu.

"Bah! What are you doing here, you freak? Get offa me!" Kyou tried his best to untie himself from Hatsuharu's grasp, but a nearly completely limp individual proved to be more difficult to move than one might think. Because of this Kyou lost his balance and fell on to the hardwood floor with his leech still attached.

"The dogs.." Hatsuharu said in a daze.

Kyou pried himself away from Hatsuharu's arms and sat next to him with an annoyed look on his face. "You're watching the dogs too?"

"Shigure said that Yuki needed my help."

"Yuki's here too?! Damn that Shigure.."

"But the dogs.." Hatsuharu stared off in to the distance mournfully.

"What? Did you run them over?"

"I'm allergic to dogs.." Hatsuharu gave a quiet cough to emphasize his statement.

"What?!" Kyou found this somewhat hard to believe when considering how often Hatsuharu was at their house which seemed to have dog fur from Shigure everywhere lately.

"I'm allergic to dogs," he repeated. "Apparently.."

Meanwhile Yuki had been on hold for Pizza Shack and had consequently been unable to hear the racket from the front hall over the hold music which was playing on the other end. Yuki continued to drum his fingers on the kitchen table until he heard a quiet 'ktchk' followed by the music ending and an operator answering.

"Hello. You have reached Pizza Shack -- 'the best dough and sauce you can get out of a shack that isn't crawling with termites!' How may I be of service today?"

Yuki began to idly twirl the phone cord around his fingers, "I'd like to place an order for delivery."

"You don't say."

Yuki waited politely for the operator to ask him for his order, but after a moment of silence, he decided to take the initiative and say it for himself. "Yes, could I have a large--"

"Oh, I'm sorry. You thought you could talk, didn't you? Oh, my, that is cute." The operator could be heard swivelling in his chair and yelling over his shoulder to his fellow operators, "This lad here, right? He thought he could talk!"

Yuki heard gasps and kids-these-days of disapproval. "Uhmm, I'm sorry, I didn't rea--"

"He just did it again! Do you believe it?"

"Sorry, but I just thought that, being on a telephone and all--"

"Oh, you thought?! You just assumed?! You know how many people die everyday in this industry and you just assume?"

"In the pizza delivery industry?"

"Are you being a smart-ass, young man?"

"Oh, no, sir. I only meant--"

"Only meant to insult my line of work, is that it? Only meant to put a label on my life choices, huh? How would you like it if I went around insulting your girly voice all day, eh, sir? Wouldn't like that very much, would you? No, sir, I shouldn't think so."

Yuki waited for a moment and nervously fiddled with his shirt collar before saying, "you're absolutely right, sir. My apologies."

"Oh, it's nothing to make a fuss over, lad. What can I get you?"

"A large pizza?"

"Mmhmm, and would you like anything special on your cheesy dough pie?"

Yuki hadn't thought of what the other house-sitters might want on their pizza, not having met them before, so he just asked for pepperoni, which seemed pretty standard.

"Oh, just pepperoni then, sir?" The operator said in a polite tone.

"Yes, I think that's all."

"Would you like to hold on the line while I go off and shoot the pig, then?"

"O-- No, wait. What?"

"The pig for your bits of sausage. Should you like to hear the gun shot so you know it's fresh? Would that make you feel better?"

"What? No! Don't you have sausage that isn't alive?" Yuki asked, hopeful.

"Well, all sausages start out alive, you know. Just wee babies, at first. Little piglets, sucking at their mothers teat. Then they grow older and fatter and are shot for selfish brats like you. And here you don't even have the common decency to--"

Yuki didn't need to hear anymore. "Plain cheese pizza will be fine."

"Plain cheese it is. It'll be over in thirty minutes or it's free. You just have a fine evening now, sir, and do call again."

Yuki hung up the phone and wondered on the likelihood of the operator being able to actually spit in his pizza as he walked in to the den to see Hatsuharu and Kyou seated on the sofa and watching television. Yuki sighed in annoyance at the other house-sitters who he would have to deal with. "You're supposed to be doing something productive, aren't you?"

"Kyou is supposed to be cleaning," Hatsuharu said with a yawn. "I am here with dogs."

Yuki glared at the back of Kyou's head. "Why are you sitting here watching TV, then?"

"You clean it if you want it done so bad," Kyou replied, never taking his eyes off the game show that had begun.

"It's not my job to clean the house. You should learn to earn your money by yourself, moron."

Kyou got out of his seat and turned to face Yuki. "I don't see you doing any work!"

"That's because you got here late. I ordered us dinner."

"That's not work! Any moron could use the phone and order a pizza."

Yuki smirked, "And, yet, you couldn't do it."

Kyou began to steam with anger and yelled, "Are you trying to say something, eh, pr--"

"Shut. Up!" Hatsuharu punched Kyou in the back of the head. "I'm watching TV." The smaller of the two dogs, Neelix, trotted in to the room holding a toy rope and took a seat on the sofa where Kyou had been. Hatsuharu sat down next to it to continue watching the game show and sneezed, twice, for emphasis.

Yuki ignored Kyou, who was kneeling on the floor and rubbing the back of his head and looked at Hatsuharu, confused. "Are you sick?"

Hatsuharu sneezed again, but, quietly, seeing as he was back to white again. "No. Dogs make me sneeze."

"They do?"

"Apparently."

"Huh.. I'm going to go upstairs for a bit and--" Yuki was interrupted by the sound of the ever cheerful jingle of the doorbell. 'That pizza was quick,' he thought, started walking to the front door and looked over his shoulder at Kyou. "Either you clean the house, or you don't get any food. Even you can figure that one out, right?"

"Cheese pizza, sir?" Yuki was greeted by a cheerful looking pizza boy who handed him a rather heavy, but very wonderfully smelling pizza box. Yuki set the pizza down for a moment to get some money from his pocket, but the pizza boy stopped him. "Oh, no worries. It's been paid for."

"Oh," Yuki said, surprised. "Okay. I guess we're just supposed to pay him back if we don't finish."

"Uh, guess so, sir. G'night." The pizza boy tipped his hat and made his way to his car as Yuki closed the door, carried the pizza box in to the den and set it on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

"I don't want your pizza anyway." Having had his seat stolen by Neelix, Kyou had seated himself on the floor and was glaring at the wall.

Yuki rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'm going upstairs. Hatsuharu, you can eat the pizza."

Hatsuharu glanced at the dog, then at the pizza as Yuki headed upstairs. "…I'm allergic to cheese, too."

"You're not allergic to cheese," Kyou said bitterly, still fixing his eyes on a mouse-shaped watermark on the wall.

Hatsuharu considered this for a minute and sneezed thoughtfully. "But, maybe I am."

Kyou turned to Hatsuharu, obviously annoyed. "But, you're not!"

"Oh, I see."

Kyou resumed glaring at the watermark and Hatsuharu watched the pizza box, wondering if it would move. They both sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to a commercial which was trying to sell them pencil sharpeners. "But," Hatsuharu began again, "what if I am?"

Kyou kicked the wall in defeat. "Fine! I'm going to go find a vacuum. Are you happy, you annoying prick?!" He stormed out of the room, presumably in search the vacuum.

Hatsuharu glanced back at Kyou as he left, somewhat confused, but decided it best to ignore and opened the pizza box to give it a try. Hatsuharu discovered that the box was filled to the brim with pepperoni slices, which he found a bit odd. He lifted a few of them and saw that there was a thin layer of dough at the bottom of the box.

Neelix walked up to the box of pepperoni, sniffed it, and drooled. Hatsuharu looked down at the dog. "You want some?"

It felt to Kyou like he had searched every room in the house and he made up his mind to not open another door. A famous actor like Leonardo DiCaprio probably didn't even own a vacuum, so he stormed back in to the den just as Yuki was, who was now showered, dressed, and smelling of flowers. "Fuck it! I refuse to clean this house!"

Yuki ignored him and looked at Neelix who was lying on the floor, wheezing. "What happened to him?!"

Hatsuharu narrowed his eyes and poked Neelix. "He was hungry."

"So you put him out of his misery?" Kyou looked at the dying dog with disgust.

Yuki was trying to figure out what to do when the phone rang from inside the kitchen. "Damn it," he cursed and went to the kitchen to answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, it's Leonardo, just calling to check up on my dogs. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, everything's good."

Kyou ran in to the kitchen from the other room. "Dude, I think it's dead."

"What?! Did someone just say dead?"

Yuki glared at Kyou. "No, I don't think so."

"I could have sworn I just heard dead."

"Oh, you must have misheard. There's nothing dead here and certainly not in relation to your fabulously alive canines."

"Oh, really, then what was it he just said?"

"What? Oh, him? He just said it was.." Yuki fished around for a word, "bread."

"He said my dogs are bread?!"

"Oh, no, they're not bread. We were just, uhmm, feeding them some bread."

"You were feeding my dogs bread?!" Yuki had to hold the phone away from his ear, so as not to go deaf from Leonardo's screaming.

"Uhmm, well.."

Yuki could hear Leonardo take in a angry breath from the other end. "Just so that you know, if you feed my dogs bread, I will have to kill you."

"But isn't that a little bit illegal, wouldn't you think?"

"I am Leonardo DiCaprio. I am above the law."

Yuki began fiddling nervously with the phone cord. "Oh, well, good thing there's no bread around here then."

"There better not be. Oh, and, on an unrelated note, I'll be home in ten minutes."

"What?!"

"Oh, I know I wasn't supposed to be home for a few days, but I had to leave the movie set. Those people just didn't understand my needs. Hmm.. Anyway, I expect everything to be fine when I get back, right? Toodles!"

Yuki hung up the phone, turned to Kyou and tried to say in the calmest voice he could muster, "go clean the house now, or I will be forced to kill you."

Kyou grinned. "Is that a challenge?"

"No, just thought you might want to seeing as Leonardo DiCaprio will be home in ten minutes and will be very angry if he sees a dead dog on top of a dirty house. But, oh, do whatever you want. I have a date, so I'm leaving." Yuki grabbed his coat from the kitchen table and walked to the front door.

"You're running away, you damn rat?!" Kyou ran after him, but then both stopped dead in their tracks as the front door opened.

"Yuki!" The two boys heard as the door swung open to reveal Ayame Souma. "It is I, your older and profoundly attractive brother!"

Yuki and Kyou both stared at Ayame for a moment before Yuki asked, "what are you doing?"

"I have set up this perfect meeting for us and you have just used your older brother's estate to get ready for a romantic evening with the Lady Tohru! It's wonderful! Don't try to hide back your glee now. No need to be shy, Yuki!"

"You.. Set this up?"

"Yes!"

"Then why did I have to be here?!" Kyou demanded.

"I wanted someone to clean my house, but it seems you have done a very poor job of it. Shame on you, Kyou."

"This isn't your house, you idiot!"

"Of course not!" Ayame laughed.

"What?!"

"Or maybe it is. The point is that now I am here to take Yuki off on a magical adventure."

Hatsuharu came in to the hallway. "Your dog's dead, Ayame."

"Don't worry, it was just an actor." Ayame turned to Yuki. "And aren't you amazed at my acting skills? You had no idea it was me on the phone all along!"

Yuki took a deep breath, said, "I'm leaving," and stormed out the front door.

"That's right, Yuki! No time to waste!"

Back in the house Kyou walked back in to the den and smiled triumphantly down at the remaining pieces of pepperoni. "We'll see who doesn't get to eat the pizza.."

END

End Notes: And that's that. Hope it at least made you giggle. ;

-Kuroi Neko


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